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عکس های پسر خاله جان


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** آقا ! چند وقت پيش ؛ اين دختر خاله جان مان از آن سر دنيا به ما زنگ زد و گفت :
آقای گيله مرد ؛ اين هم شد عکس که روی سايت خودتان گذاشته ايد ؟؟
گفتيم : اشکالش چيست دختر خاله جان ؟؟
گفتند : آنهمه جاهای زيبا و آنهمه مناظر دلنشين امريکا را گذاشته ايد رفته ايد توی يک پارکينگ عکس گرفته ايد و چسبانده ايد روی وبلاگ تان ؟؟
گفتيم : دختر خاله جان ! اين عکسی را که جنابعالی ملاحظه ميفرماييد دستپخت دوست سابق مان آقای چرندياتی است ؛ آن حرامزاده !! آنوقت ها که هنوز عيالوار نشده بود و رفاقت چندين و چند هزار ساله اش را با ما بهم نزده بود ؛ گاهگداری ميآمد شمال کاليفرنيا و با هم الواتی ميرفتيم و ايشان هم ترق و توروق از ما عکس ميگرفت .

دختر خاله جان مان در آمد که : می خواهی ما يک عکس تازه تر از شما بگذاريم روی سايت ؟؟
گفتيم : چه بهتر از اين ؟؟ خدا يک در اين دنيا و صد در آن دنيا اجرت بدهد .

اين قضيه البته مربوط به چند ماه پيش است و بينی و بين الله ما اصلا يادمان رفته بود که با اين دختر خاله حرامزاده مان در اين باره صحبتی کرده ايم .
امروز که از سر کار آمديم خانه ؛ رفتيم پای کامپيوتر تا به سياق معمول ؛ مختصری پرت و پلا برای تان بنويسيم و کمی شما را بخندانيم ؛ اما وقتی چشم مان به آن عکس مکش مرگ مای بالا ی صفحه افتاد نزديک بود دور از جان شما سکته قلبی بکنيم !! آخر قربان تان بروم ؛ ما کجا و آن قيافه چسان فسان شده بر ما مگوزيد کجا ؟؟ ما اينجا ؛ در اين ينگه دنيا ؛ يک کشاورز پاپتی زحمتکش کون لخت يقنعلی بقال اهل خاکيم که توی تمام عمر مان کون مبارک مان را روی آنجور صندلی های عهد لويی شانزدهم نگذاشته ايم !! حالا بياييم در اين پيرانه سری از اين غلط ها بکنيم و چنان عکسی را زينت بخش صفحه مان کنيم که چه ؟؟ کاين منم طاووس عليين شده ؟؟؟ شکم گشنه و آب يخ ؟؟؟
اين پدر آمرزيده ؛ دختر خاله جان مان ؛
سی سال است که ما را نديده است و اصلا نميداند ما چه شکلی هستيم .آنوقت رفته است توی آلبوم عکس خانوادگی دوره صدارت ميرزا تقی خان امير کبير گشته است و يک عکس مرحوم مغفور پسر خاله جان خدا بيامرزمان را برداشته است و گذاشته است بالای صفحه ما ن و زيرش هم با خط جلی نوشته است : آقای گيله مرد !!!

حالا برای آنکه شما خيال نکنيد آن عکس مکش مرگ مای بالای صفحه عکس خودمان است بايد يکی دو تا توضيح واضحات بدهيم :
اولندش اينکه : ما مو ها و سبيل مان بقدرتی خدا چنان سفيد شده است که هر کس ما را می بيند خيال ميکند همين حالا از آسياب آمده ايم !!
دومندش اينکه : ما اهل خاکيم و کار مان - منهای مختصری قلمفرسايی و پاچه گيری - نوازش گل و گياه و دار و درخت و زمين مهربان است . آن عکسی که آن بالاست ؛ انگار يارو رفته برای خودش آژان بياورد !!
سومندش اينکه : اگر قرار بود ما موهای نازنين مان را آنطوری شانه ميکرديم حالا بيست سال بود که زن مان از ما طلاق گرفته بود و رفته بود بغل دست عمه جانش !!
چهارمندش اينکه : آقا ! ما اصلا ميانه مان با کت و شلوار و کراوات ؛ سالهاست بهم خورده است و به اين آسانی ها هم ترميم پذير نيست !! ما کشاورزيم آقا !! آخر شما تا بحال در کجای دنيا ديده ايد که يک کشاورز آسمان جل که ترب ندارد بخورد ! چنين کتی بپوشد و چنان کراواتی به گردنش ببند و آنچنان عکس بر ما مگوزيدی بگيرد که افاده اش به نواب ميماند ؟؟؟
و حرف آخر اينکه : آن عکسی که آن بالاست عکس پسر خاله جان مرحوم مان است و ما همين امروز فردا آن را از آن بالا ميآوريم پايين و عکس خودمان را جايش ميگذاريم . آنوقت خواهيد گفت :
صلی علی محمد .....گيله مرد خوش تيپ آمد !!!
بقول همولايتی ها : من مره قوربان !!


نوشته شده توسط گیله مرد در  7:17 PM


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