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سيد سيا ، بيست و چند سالى است كه در امريكاست . در دانشگاه تهران درس خوانده است و حالا در امريكا ، در يك شركت عظيم كامپيوترى كار ميكند و وضع مالى روبراهى دارد .
سيد سيا ، زن و دو تا بچه دارد ، بچه هايش در امريكا به دنيا آمده اند ، و نام فاميلى خودشان را نمى توانند تلفظ كنند .
يكى از پسرهاى سيد سيا ، در شيطانى و پدر سوخته گرى ، همتا ندارد ، بقدرى شيرين است و زبان شيرينى دارد كه من اسمش را گذاشته ام apple pie -
اسمش دامون است ، كه به زبان گيلكى يعنى جنگل ، يعنى كوهپايه . اما امريكايى ها " ديمن " صدايش مى كنند .ما هم گاهگاهى سر بسرش مى كذاريم و صدايش مى كنيم سيد ديمن ..!!
دامون ، نميداند سيد يعنى چه . و وقتى برايش توضيح ميدهيم سيد يعنى نوادگان همان اعرابى كه ايران را اشغال كرده و دين خودشان را به زور و به ضرب شمشير به ما زور چپان كرده اند ، ابروهايش را در هم مى كشد ، و با همان زبان شكسته بسته ى فارسى ميگويد :
--من كه عرب نيستم . من ايرانى هستم . باباى من مى گويد كه گيله مرد است ، گيله مرد كه عرب نيست .
دامون ، گاهگدارى ، سر به سر پدرش ميگذارد و از اينكه پدرش چنين اسم عجيب و غريب پر طول و تفصيلى دارد ، ما را مى خنداند .
پريشب ها رفته بود پاسپورت ايرانى پدرش را آورده بود و از اينكه اسم پدرش نيمى از صفحه ى اول پاسپورت را اشغال كرده است دل غشه گرفته بود و قاه قاه مى خنديد :
--آخه اين هم شد اسم ؟ سيد ابوالفضل ربيع زاده ى اصل گوهر سرايى ؟
البته ، سيد سيا ، چند سالى است كه اسمش را عوض كرده است . ديگر سيد ابوالفضل ربيع زاده ى اصل گوهر سرايى نيست ، بلكه اسم كوچكش را گذاشته " گاس " و اسم فاميلش را هم كرده است " سرايى " . يعنى امريكايى ها صدايش مى كنند مستر گاس سرايى . بچه هايش هم همين نام فاميلى " سرايى " را دارند ، : دامون سرايى . و الوين سرايى . اما پدر بزرگ ، الوين را ، الوند صدايش مى كند ، و الوين از نام الوند خوشش مى آيد ، بخصوص اينكه فهميده است كه الوند نام كوهى در ايران است .
پريشب ها ، جاى تان خالى ، جايى مهمان بوديم ، آسيد سيا هم بود . زن و دو تا بچه اش هم بودند . آقاى جعفر آقا هم از راه رسيد . ما اسم جعفر آقا را گذاشته ايم آقاى وطن دوست !! چونكه از بس وطن وطن مى كند ، آدم خيال مى كند كه وطن پرستى منحصرا در قلمروى آقاى جعفر آقاست . البته وطن پرستى آقاى جعفر آقا آميزه اى است از احساسات آبكى و غم غربت و چيزى كه فرنگى ها به آن مى گويند نستالژى ..
صاحبخانه ى بيچاره ، كلى زحمت كشيده بود و كلى غذاهاى خوشمزه ى ايرانى درست كرده بود . اما نه تنها به هيچكد ام مان خوش نگذشت ، بلكه هر كدام مان ، با لب و لوچه ى آويزان ، از خانه ى ميزبان مان بيرون آمديم ، و پشت دست مان را هم داغ كرديم تا در هيچ ميهمانى و محفلى ، در باره ى سياست حرف نزنيم ، و اگر كسى خواست چيزى از سياست و اينحرفها بگويد ، حواله اش بدهيم به انواع و اقسام سازمان هاى سياسي ، كه هنرى جز حرف زدن و حرف هاى گنده گنده زدن ندارند .
بارى ، نشسته بوديم و داشتيم از اينور و آنور گپ مى زديم كه يكباره حرف مان كشيد به ايران و مسائل ايران ، و بغرنج هاى سياسى و اقتصادى ايران ، و دوست مان آسيد سيا در آمد كه : تنها راه برون رفت از بن بست كنونى ، حمايت از جنبش اصلاحات است ...
اما هنوز حرف آسيد سيا تمام نشده بود كه آقاى وطن دوست ، با صورت بر افروخته ، و رگ هاى گردن به حجت قوى ، در آمد كه :
-- مرد حسابى ! چه كسى به تو چنين حقى داده كه در باره ى ايران صحبت كنى ؟ !!تو كه بچه هايت امريكايى هستند و اسم شان حتى ايرانى نيست ، تويى كه رفته اى و اسم خودت را عوض كرده اى و شده اى گاس !! چه كسى به تو حق داده كه در باره ى ايران حرف بزنى ؟؟ تو بهتره كه در باره ى وطن اصلى ات امريكا صحبت كنى نه در باره ى ايران !!! ايرانى ها به توصيه ها و خرده فرمايشات آدم هايى مثل تو احتياجى ندارند ..!!
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و خلاصه آنكه چنان آسيد سياي ما را شست و كنار گذاشت كه انگار آسيد سيا چون اسمش را عوض كرده ، لابد نوكر سازمان سيااست و نبايد لام تا كام حرف بزند !!
آن شب ، بحث به درازا كشيد و دست آخر هم همه مان خسته و داغان و با لب و لوچه ى آويزان ، از مهمانى بيرون آمديم .
اما من توى راه با خودم فكر مى كردم كه ما ايرانى ها چرا اينقدر عجيب و غريب هستيم ؟ آخر عوض كردن اسم چه ربطى به ميزان وطن پرستى ما دارد ؟؟
يعنى اگر اسم بنده قدمعلى يا چراغعلى ، يا ابوالقاسم يا سيد مرتضى باشد از آن ايرانى كه اسمش را توى امريكا عوض كرده و بجاى ابوالفضل كذاشته " گاس " وطن پرست ترم ؟؟
يعنى اگر اسم من آسيد روح الله اسلام پناه باشد ، از آن آقايى كه اسمش پرويز يا منوچهر يا ساسان يا سهراب است مسلمان ترم ؟؟
بعد ديدم كه چنين انديشه ى ماليخوليايى است كه به اداره ى ثبت احوال ايران اجازه ميدهد تا نگذارد مردم هر اسمى كه خواستند روى بچه هايشان بگذارند . به نظر آنها اگر اسم بچه مان زينب يا سكينه يا رقيه يا كلثوم يا سميه باشد ، لابد مسلمان تر از ساناز و مارال و مهرنوش و فرنوش و بنفشه و شبنم و هما و نسرين و داريوش و كورش خواهند بود ؟؟!!
ياد ماجراى خنده دارى افتادم :
حدود بيست و يكى دو سال پيش ، كه آقاى حاج آقا روح الله خمينى ، تازه امام شده بود ، و شروع كرده بود به مكيدن خون خلايق ، و چپ و راست فرزندان وطن مان را اعدام ميكرد ، يك آقايى بود كه اسمش بود روح الله بويناك !!
اين آقاى آقا روح الله ، يك روز رفته بود اداره ى ثبت احوال و گفته بود مى خواهد اسمش را عوض بكند . ثبت احوال چى ها نشستند و كميسيون كردند و جلسه كردند وسيصد چهارصد صفحه كاغذ را سياه كردند و بالاخره موافقت كردند كه آقاى روح الله بويناك اسمش را عوض بكند .
خلاصه اينكه پس از برو بيا هاى بسيار ، يك روز آقاى روح الله بويناك را به اداره ى ثبت احوال خواستند و به ايشان مژده دادند كه با تعويض اسم شان موافقت شده است ، بعد ازش پرسيدند : خب ، حالا چه اسمى ميخواهى انتخاب كنى ؟
و آقاى روح الله بويناك در جواب گفته بود : منوچهر بويناك !!!
نوشته شده توسط گیله مرد در 11:39 PM
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