حدود بيست و چند سال پيش ؛ که ما در بوئنوس آيرس زندگی ميکرديم ؛ مثل هر مهاجر ديگری در هر گوشه دنيا ؛ خودمان را به آب و آتش ميزديم بلکه بتوانيم اجازه اقامت دائم - يا بقول امريکايی ها گرين کارت بگيريم .
بالاخره سر و گوشی در اينجا و آنجا آب داديم و فهميديم که اگر فلانقدر پول توی بانک بگذاريم می توانيم صاحب گرين کارت بشويم . ما هم ته مانده های بساط مان را جمع و جور کرديم و مقداری هم از سيروس و محمود قرض کرديم و گذاشتيم توی بانک و رفتيم توی اداره مهاجرت و چهار هزار و چهارصد و چهل و چهار جور پرسشنامه و زهر مار نامه پر کرديم و منتظر مانديم تا ببينيم کی به زيارت جمال بی مثال گرين کارت نائل ميشويم .
يک روز رفته بوديم اداره مهاجرت و نشسته بوديم گوشه ای تا نوبت مان بشود .توی سالن بزرگ اداره مهاجرت ؛ سيصد چهارصد نفر از اهالی شيلی و بوليوی و پرو و گواتمالا گوش تا گوش نشسته بودند و مثل خود ما چشم براه نوبت شان بودند .
يک کارمند اداره مهاجرت که پرونده ای را توی دستش داشت آمد جلوی پيشخوان و با صدای بلند گفت : سينيور اسن رخاب نخاد ...اما از هيچکس جوابی نشنيد .
دوباره صدا کرد : اسن رخاب نخاد !!!
باز هم هيچ صدايی از هيچ جايی در نيامد .
من پيش خودم خيال ميکردم که لابد اين آقای " اسن رخاب نخاد " از پرو يا بوليوی به آرژانتين آمده است و حالا ميخواهد در اينجا ماندگار بشود و اقامت دائم بگيرد . مامور اداره مهاجرت برای بار سوم صدا کرد : سينيور اسن رخاب نخاد!!
اما چون جوابی از هيچکس در نيامد انگشتش را به طرف من نشانه رفت و مرا به جلوی پيشخوان خواست .
وقتيکه خودم را به او رساندم پرونده زرد رنگی را که در دستش داشت جلوی من گرفت و گفت : مگر تو اسن رخب نخاد نيستی ؟؟!!
من نگاهی به پرونده کردم و ديدم پرونده خود من است .
گفتم : آقا جان ! من حسن رجب نژاد هستم نه اسن رخب نخاد !! بعد متوجه شدم که در زبان اسپانيولی حرف " j " صدای " خ" ميدهد و اگر حرف H هم جلوی اسم قرار بگيرد تلفظ نمی شود ؛ بنا بر اين بيچاره کارمند اداره مهاجرت حق داشته است که بجای حسن " اسن " و بجای رجب نژاد هم " رخب نخاد " صدايم کند .
حالا که اين خاطره را برای تان تعريف کردم ياد لطيفه ای افتادم که دوست آذربايجانی ام ميگفت :
او ميگفت : ما ترک ها چهار جور " ک " داريم :
يکی اينکه " ک " می نويسيم اما " چ " می خوانيم . مثل تاچسی ( يعنی تاکسی )
يکی ديگر اينکه : " ک " می نويسيم و " ق " می خوانيم . مثل قنسول ( يعنی کنسول )
يکی اينکه " ک " می نويسيم اما " ه " می خوانيم .مثل دهتور ( يعنی دکتر )
يکی ديگر اينکه " ک " می نويسيم اما " خ " می خوانيم .مثل ميخنيک ( يعنی ميکانيک )
و يک جور " ک " هم داريم که نه می نويسيم و نه می خوانيم . مثل گضنفر ( يعنی غضنفر )
نوشته شده توسط گیله مرد در 8:12 PM
آقا آقا آقا ... شوخي شوخي با ترك هم شوخي ؟ بی زحمت با ترک ها شوخی موخی نکنین ! به جان این آقای نگاهی اگه دروخ بگم :
یه دانا " ک " داریم همون " ک " مینویسیم " ک " هم تلفظ میکنیم مثل : کوکا – کانادا
یه دانا " ک " داریم همون " ک " مینویسیم آما " خ " تلفظ میکنیم مثل : تراختور ( تراکتور )
یه دانا " ک " داریم همون " ه " تلفظ میشه مثل : علی اهبر ( علی اکبر ) !
یه دانا " ک " داریم " چ " تلفظ میشه مثل : چچ – خاچ بر سر ( کیک ) – ( خاک بر سر )
یه دانا " ک " داریم که " س " تلفظ میشه مثل : عسک ( عکس )
یه دانا " ک " داریم " ش " تلفظ میشه مثل : فیزیش ( فیزیک )
یه دانا " ک " داریم " ق " تلفظ میشه مثل : قُپُن ( کوپن )
یه دانا " ک " داریم " گ " تلفظ میشه مثل : دگمه – گوری ( دکمه ) – ( قوری )
یه دانا " ک " داریم اصلا تلفظ نمیشه : دُتُر " ( دکتر )
یه دانا " ک " داریم نه نوشته میشه نه تلفظ میشه مثل : گیله مرد :)
در جهان هر کشوری رنجی ز دوران میکشد
یک زمان آشکار و گاه پنهان میکشد
فی المثل ترکیه از لائیک نادان می کشد
روسیه از بی خدایان کافر میکشد
هر چه ایران میکشد از دست ترکان میکشد !!!!!!!
" استعاره به اینکه ترک جماعت ایران رو قبضه کرده از بقال و چغال و قصاب و نانوا بگیر برو تا آخر ... در واقع اگر ترک ها باهوش نبودن اینهمه ترقی نمیکردن :) " به جدم اگه دروخ بگم ....
حالا خوبه ما خودمون هم نیمچه ترکیم و بابای پدر سوخته ما ترک تشریف دارن فقط محض مزاح بود نه تحقیر که هر گویش و طایفه ای دوست داشتنیه از ترک تا عرب – از کرد بگیر تا بلوچ ...
سلام گیله مرد نازنین. خداوند حافظ تو باشه که اینهمه منو خندوندی.
ببین ... دوستی داشتیم قدیم الایام که خودش زاده و پرورده خاک پاک رشت بود و خانمش اهل اردبیل. از دست این زن و شوهر روده برای کسی نمیموند از بسکه تو نخ همدیگه میرفتن و کلفت های با نمک بار هم میکردن.
میدونی تا قبل از اینکه از ایران بیام هیچوقت به طور جدی در مورد اقوام و ایلات ایرانی فکر نکرده بودم ولی از وقتی آمدم عاشقانه دوستشون دارم. از ترکها گرفته تا کردها و گیلانیها و غیره.
شاد و پیروز باشی گیله مرد دوست داشتنی.
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Posted by: mahdieh at October 30, 2004 12:52 AMآقا جان ما در مملكت خودمان سر كلاس دانشگاه ميرفتيم نميفهميديم دانشجو و استاد چه مي گويند .هر طرف كلاس يك عشيره نشسته بودند....طرفي لرها جاي ديگر شيرازيها و بوشهريها جاي ديگر وروستائيها و كردها .هيچكدام هم حرف هم را دقيقا نميفهميدند واي بروزي كه استادمان از يك اقليت بود!!!!!!
Posted by: احسان at October 30, 2004 12:56 AMsalaam mofied va mikhtasar E=MC2 vaghty kashf shod bekhaatere naabudy ye bashar nabud lotfan biaaied az inter net ham baraaye baalaa bordane dark va fahmemaan estefaadeh konem dast dar daste ham mihane khish raa koniem aabaad...
Posted by: mahdieh at October 30, 2004 1:26 AMگيله مرد عزيز اينقدر خنديدم كه اشك از چشمانم سرازير شده. خيلي بامزه بود. امروز شما اولين نفري بودين كه خنده رو به لبهاي من آوردين ، چون امروز روز بسيار بد شروع شد و همينجور هم بد ادامه پيداكرد. حالا شايد از اين به بعد كمي روزمان بهتر و خنده دار تر بشه. مرسي گيله مرد گرام. آرزوي آخر هفته خوبي رو در كنار خانواده دارم. سبز باشيد.
Posted by: shohreh at October 30, 2004 5:31 AMسلام. اوني مهمه كه در دل آدميزاده. نه اوني كه بر زبان نياره... البته همون طور كه ميدوني " زيان شرخ سر سبز ميدهد بر باد..." شاد و موفق باشي... قربانت: مش قاسم غياث آبادي
Posted by: مش قاسم غیاث آبادی at October 30, 2004 11:37 AMسلام گيله مرد...مدتيه كه خواننده ي دايمي وبلاگت شدم.صميمي و تامل برانگيز مي نويسي.هميشه برقرار و uptodate باشي...
Posted by: farzane at October 30, 2004 11:58 AMنظر به اينكه مثل هميشه لذت بردم و اين شيوا هم تكميلش كرد با اوون كامنتش ديگه حرفي براي اضافه كردن ندارم
Posted by: عزیزدوردونه at October 30, 2004 4:37 PMخب گيله مرد عزيز!
حالا ديگه دل شير پيدا كردى با دم شير بازى مى كنى! عجب شيرتوشيرى شد!
حالا مى خواى بگم رشتى ها چندتا "و" دارن؟
باعث خوشحالي است كه بعضي ها فهميدن همه مليتها قابل احترامند.ولي اگر كمتر حرف بزنند وبيشتر مطالعه كنند باعث خوشحالي بشتر خواهند شد.
قابل توجه كساني كه متن كامنتشان بيشتر از يادداشت هاي آقاي رجب نژاد است.
آقای مهدی عزیز شما که به این خوبی می نویسی لااقل فارسی تایپ کن تا همه راحت بخونند نوشه هات را.پینگلیش نوشتن خیلی آسونه ولی خوندنش سخت.موفق باشی
Posted by: هوشنگ نیری at November 1, 2004 1:12 AMعمو گيله مرد جونم كلي از دستت خنديدم طبق معمول. اتفاقا امروز رفته بوديم سفارت آمريكا به جمال بي مثال ويزاي ويزيتوري چشم رو شن كنيم.
خوش بگذره عمو جونم.
Posted by: katbalou at November 1, 2004 9:49 AMسلام .. من زود متوجه شدم هروقت تلظ سخت و دقیقه طول میکشد و کسی بلند نمیشود منظورشان من هستم::
Posted by: آرمین گیله مرد at November 2, 2004 9:02 AMمن نگم كي آسمون كين سوراخابوسته من بيرون بكفتمه به جيرمن خيم هتو بگم كي مي پر و ماره سفره سر قر گوديمي= من نمي گم كه كون آسمان سوراخ شده و من افتادم پايين من فقط ميخوام همونتوري بگم كه وقتي از روي سفره پدرم قهر مي كردم.
اما اين اين توهين به تركها نبود اصلا فقط شوخي با وازگان بود همين. .. آنچه دل ما را به درد مياورد توهينهاي زشت و زجر آوري است كه به شماليها در غالب به اصطلاح جوك رشتي مي شود. همه آنهايي كه شماليها و منجمله رشتيها را مي شناسد مي داند كه
كه دموكراتترين مردمان ايران شماليها هستند و به گواه تاريخ غيورترينشان به روزگار آل بويه و ديالمه بنگريد كه مسير تاريخ را عوض كردند و بغداد را فتح كرده و نزاد ايراني را احيا كردند تا جائيكه در عربي آن روزگار ديلم به معني دشمن بود تا زياريان و در دوران باستان موتو ديلمي و در روزگار معاصر جنگلي ها و اين گيلانيها بودند كه تا 300 سال قبل تحت سيطره هيچ حكومتي در نيامدند از شاهان هخامنشي بگير و بيا تا دوران صفويه كه بدست متزور صفويه گيلان استقلال خود را از دست داد حالا خود بگوييد رشيد كيست و غيور كه؟ گيلاني اهل داد و فرياد و جنجال نيست ولي نبايستي با اين شير خوابيده بيش از شوخي كرد كه اين چند دهه توهين گران تمام خواهد شد.
Posted by: naxambagom at November 4, 2004 11:05 AMگيله مرد جون ميخوام برات به زبون خودت بنويسم. نمي دونم چه حالي بهت دست مي ده من كه هر وقت مي شنوم گريم مي گيره.
مي ديل درينه سوته دره. د ندونم چي با بونم. كي راست گه كي دروغ؟ اوشوني كه دم از خدا زن و زدرن خو سود فيكر كونن و خودا سرم خنن گول بزنن.. استغفرا.. اوشونم كه پيلاكوتي گب زنن خيلي زمت ينم كه نه تنها دين ندرن كه هيچ چي ندرن و هيچ چي پا بند نيين. مو فكر كونم خيلن كه لامصب هيسن اقكم امي كشور من يه جور بي بند و باري دنن. اوشي قانونه احترام ننن و شريعتم هونه موسون يعني بعد اينكه بدن كي شريعت قبول ندرن د قانونم احترام ننهن. ايتو نينه؟ تو چي گوني؟ اين چه زبوني بود؟ممممممم فكر كنم به گيلكي بيه پيش نوشتم كه از سفيدرود تا رودخانه چالوس رو شامل مي شه ....... اما چندي تينسم موفق ببم ندونم ..............تره ياده اشكور؟ تو به صمد خان و احمد خان و مو .....تره ياده چاك من ؟ دو ته ترينگ نيشته بو؟ اشكور تره ياده ترينگ چندي بخوندن؟ اشكور الان د نه صمد خان بمونسه و نه احمد خان نه امي تفنگان و نه او ترينگان...
سلام آقاي رجبي نزاد . فكر ميكنم لاهيجاني باشي . من يه وبلاگ با اسم لاهيجاني نو درست كردم . خواهش ميكنم بهش سر بزن و نظرت را بده . البته به من بايد حق بدي كه من در ايرانم و در شهرم لاهيجان . نگاه من نگاه سازندگي اجتماعي است .
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